It tries to kill me on a daily basis.
I can feel it before it makes a full appearance. My face goes numb, my heart starts racing, my breathing becomes erratic, my arms start losing feeling...
Oh well hello there, Fear, you snuck up on me.
So if you've read my blog for very long, you know I have panic attacks... And I blog about the real significant ones.
Sunday night, my husband, Freddy, and my brother Chris, and I found ourselves sitting around the house like nerds, playing the Wii.
Okay so we've been playing the Wii for like three hours straight when one of them comes up with the great idea to go finally see Avatar in 3D.
I'm all game. I had been wanting to see the movie forever and was shocked when we found a movie theater in Kennesaw still playing it in 3D.
The three of us scramble to get into the car so we can make the ten'o'clock show.
And Kennesaw is a good hour drive from where we live.
So as weird luck would have it, we make it into the crowded (apparently we weren't the only losers who hadn't seen it either) theater right as the movie was starting! We totally missed all those commercials.
So, anyone seen Avatar? It's an awfully long movie.
That's about the time that fear saw it's chance. And boy did he jump on it.
Avatar is an action packed movie... And I can handle action movies... At home.
In the movie theater? They tend to make me hyperventilate without my ever realizing that I am doing so, until I go numb.
Well to my left was Freddy. And to his left was my brother, Chris. So to my right was some guy.
When my panic began to swell into uncontrolable territory, I started gripping the armrests on both sides on me.
Had it been any other movie? I would have stepped out to regain composure. But this was Avatar... And I had waited too long and paid too much for the ticket to miss anything.
I think I heard Fear laugh. He knew he had me trapped.
You're big. And bad. And well, okay nevermind, not bad like bad but like baaad. You know? Can you kick his ass for me?
I was beginning to hyperventilate. My breathing was apparently so loud, that Chris, on the other side of Freddy, heard me.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see him lean up. He looks kind of weird with his 3D glasses on. But I can't laugh 'cause I'm so freaking scared.
My brother just looks at me, though I can't see his eyes in the dark. He whispers, "You gonna be okay?"
I swallow, probably really loud, and nod. My brother has panic attacks of his own, so he knows what it's like.
I begin to rock back and forth.
Deep breath. In and out. Crap. I'm going to suffocate!
Sound the alarm! My brain screams. My lungs have suddenly forgotten how to process oxygen! So this is it, what it's like to die...
Stupid, stupid! You're not going to die. Fight or flight is malfunctioning... That's all this is... Another panic attack.
Oh no it's not! This one's for real! I can feel it. I'm dying.
Ever tried rationalizing with an idiot?
Yeah well, that's me trying to calm myself down during a panic attack.
I was really starting to get pissed at myself. I didn't want to miss the movie, yet I couldn't concentrate like this!
Freddy slid his hand into mine and squeezed. I squeezed back. I could do this.
Another wave of panic hits. My throat starts to tighten up.
Crap! I'm choking!
I make some weird gagging noise that alarms my husband, brother, and apparently the already freaked-out guy to my right.
He leans a little further away from me. And looks at me like I'm an alien species myself...
Some people just shouldn't watch Sci-Fi movies... I swear.
I'm not quite sure now what scene finally reeled my brain back in and away from my erratic, stupid body with it's crazy signals that miss fire and... Stuff.
Whatever you wanna call it.
So, I finished watching Avatar in relative peace. But the guy to my right did not. He seemed to stay rigid in his seat for the rest of the movie, which was over an hour, nerviously glancing at me the whole time.
Lived Through by Mandie Described at 9:45 PM