Words aren’t flowing as usual. With ease I can make mess of a blank page… And horizontally complicate a blank screen. But not today.
Not when I need this release the most. I need my mind to stop. To let go, before I drive the inhabitant of this tired body completely insane.
But silence has never been my friend, inwardly anyways.
Tears nor anger will placate this. I don’t want the depression or the headache. I just want this gone.
Settled, resolved, undone, forgotten, burned…
I shut my eyes and cannot understand myself. A mystery behind these lids. Why do I take the long route to everywhere? To say anything?
Where’s my sense of direction or my ability to be direct? Why can I not just look you in the face and say what my brain’s been screaming at you all along?
Because I think it would shake you. Actually, I know it would. It would make you angry. You might even boil and lose control.
Would I then find peace in that? In knowing that I wrecked what little I could of your world?
You’re a vulture. I would tell you that. Picking me apart and judging what you know nothing about.
I would love for nothing more than to back you in a corner and make you squirm. Make you say to my face what you’ve been thinking this whole time.
Tell me I didn’t turn out like you expected. Tell me I screwed up. Tell me all your efforts were in vain. Tell me I’m not worth it any longer. Tell me I never was. Tell me.
Maybe then I could at least sleep with the knowing. And let go with the efforts. And make peace with the rest.
2 Back Talkers:
Aw, sweetie... :( It'll all be okay. I promise.
So here's the thing...it's so easy for us to make right, yet highly unpopular decisions regarding our lives and still feel guilty about it. When we feel guilty, then it's like an unspoken open invitation for people to pull out their judge-o-meter and put in their $0.02.
You and God know why you made choices, and God's grace and forgiveness far surpasses any opinion that any human could provide you. I pray that you can find rest in that to the point that you can tune out the negative, judging static that troubles you.
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