Words aren’t flowing as usual. With ease I can make mess of a blank page… And horizontally complicate a blank screen. But not today.
Not when I need this release the most. I need my mind to stop. To let go, before I drive the inhabitant of this tired body completely insane.
But silence has never been my friend, inwardly anyways.
Tears nor anger will placate this. I don’t want the depression or the headache. I just want this gone.
Settled, resolved, undone, forgotten, burned…
I shut my eyes and cannot understand myself. A mystery behind these lids. Why do I take the long route to everywhere? To say anything?
Where’s my sense of direction or my ability to be direct? Why can I not just look you in the face and say what my brain’s been screaming at you all along?
Because I think it would shake you. Actually, I know it would. It would make you angry. You might even boil and lose control.
Would I then find peace in that? In knowing that I wrecked what little I could of your world?
You’re a vulture. I would tell you that. Picking me apart and judging what you know nothing about.
I would love for nothing more than to back you in a corner and make you squirm. Make you say to my face what you’ve been thinking this whole time.
Tell me I didn’t turn out like you expected. Tell me I screwed up. Tell me all your efforts were in vain. Tell me I’m not worth it any longer. Tell me I never was. Tell me.
Maybe then I could at least sleep with the knowing. And let go with the efforts. And make peace with the rest.
Lived Through by Mandie Described at 12:21 AM