A chemical imbalance in the brain. A short in the wires that trigger my fight or flight response.
I hate that the doctors think they can cure it with a pill and the therapists think they can fix it with a few deep breathing techniques...
Well just got done making an attempt at the breathing techniques. And nothing.
My heart's still racing, I can't breathe, I feel like I'm going to regurgitate my dinner. And my head's spinning.
Not to mention there is no one awake to remind me this is just another panic attack. So I'm left to talk to myself. Which doesn't always work... Like now for example. I'm talking away, trying to pretend I'm sane, while probably driving myself more insane.
And I hate that people think that it's just something you can get over.
How exactly do you get over something that has the ability to choke you, make you completely numb and pass out? I'm sitting on the precipice as I write this..
And I wonder, should I go wake someone? Call someone?
Cause what if this one time I'm actually really dying? Only, that's what I think everytime..
But everytime it feels like the Grim Reeper is ready to pounce.
And I just don't get it? What turned me into this freak? What went wrong for me to develop such a strange way of coping with stress?
And now I'm rambling just to keep my mind off thoughts of suffocating to death... But I just typed that out... So I'm not doing such a hot job of distracting myself...
6 Back Talkers:
Wow Mandi, I hope this story has a happy ending in your next post.
i hate when people tell me its in my head...um no the fuck it aint! Hope you feel better sweetie!:) joining you from 20sb! xo
Nothing has to cause someone to develop anxiety issues, it just... happens sometimes.
And about the picture: aren't you generally supposed to buy a girl a drink before making out with her?
We all go a little crazy sometimes... No, seriously.
Last time I had a panic attack, I demanded to be let out of a car that was travelling 70mph down a motorway.
What usually calms you after an attack?
I feel a little silly doing this. I happened upon your blog very accidentally as I put off going to sleep. It doesn't seem you have updated in quite some time. Well, humour me!
I will assume this difficult condition is still with you. These things don't typically go away so easily. Sometimes we may wish we were free of it--otherwise we may realize the grace involved in living this way.
It is in those times of vulnerability that you are given a wonderful gift: the distinct knowledge that you can not make it alone. I should believe that when I'm caught up in anxiety that I'm at my worst. Perhaps I'm at my worst when I forget how awful anxiety is.
Grace is baffling. When anxiety takes us, we do not take anything forgranted as stable. We see clearly: the things we cherish most and hold onto most for grounding fail. The veil is lifted, and we realize that this suffering is a call of incredible love from an inescapable God.
Just words, I know, but bless you. Carry your burden forward knowing vividly that there is one who takes up that yoke with you.
Yours,
Chad
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